It is what it is

The weekend is over and I am sad to see it go. Time always seems to fly when your having fun. I spent a good part of the weekend hanging out with my friend in Atlanta. I was extremely worried. You see she is a smoker and was my smoking buddy when we worked together. What is worse is most of the friends we hang out with are smokers. The whole drive up there not an ounce of temptation, I was more happy that I finally got the stinky smell of out my car. A little while into hanging out the dreadful moment occurred, it was time to step out on the porch for a cigarette break. As the air began to fill up with with smoke I realized that it smelled totally different to me, no longer a smell that I love but more of disgust. At the same time memories of all the fun times I had while smoking began to flood my mind and before I knew it  I was asking for a drag. Now my friend is a good friend and some would say somewhat cruel. She hands over the last of her cigarette and I took a puff. I coughed and choked, it tasted disgusting, I hated it. Now many of you would say that I slipped and in a way I did but at the same time that little puff ease my desire of do I really want to quit. You don't realize how good you feel until you take that puff. Your sense of taste and smell are totally different and even my eyes reacted to it totally differently. Yes that puff was a drop in my resistance wall but it showed me that my weakness wasn't as weak as I thought, my mind had really grown to hate the thing I once love and that little puff tested that.

Like I said this weekend was a true test of my strength, I sort of passed/failed my not smoking test but I did really good on eating real healthy. Luckily my friend knows a lot of health food and helped me stick to that part. The highlight of my weekend was spending my saturday not in bed like I enjoy but working with the homeless. It was a little different this time, more helpers than people that needed help but I still enjoy talking to these people that most individuals run away from and making them feel human again.  The best part of it was I got to share the experience with two of my good friends and my brother. I love when you are doing a positive thing and you tell people about it that they want to jump on the train.

Now onto the sucky stuff, I still haven't heard a thing about a job. I am not upset, I have just realized that it is was it is. I realized yesterday that I am not keeping up-to-date on my skills and even by working temp jobs I still wouldn't be using those skills, so I decided to volunteer those skills. The church I grew up in does a lot of media stuff and there is only one person to do it, that's where I come in. I spoke with the guy yesterday and he was thrilled to have the help and I am thrilled to learn more and to stay current.  I am also giving my talents to a couple of non-profit organizations. I felt like it was the right thing to do and whenever I do go on an interview it won't look like I have been doing nothing.

I have really come to realize that circumstances happened and there really is not much you can do about it. The only thing you can really do is react, positive or negative. Sometimes that reaction isn't just an immediate one, sometimes that one circumstance requires multiple reactions over a long period of time. Just because you reacted so negatively at the initial response of the circumstance doesn't mean every reaction that follows has to be negative. Growing up every time I was upset about something my dad would always tell me to turn that frown upside down. I feel like we have to do that with life. Turn the negative into a positive. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason in the beginning is, it will become more clear later on down the road. Or if you are like me, you know the reason why it happened and just decided that there had to be more to it but there isn't more, sometimes it just is what it is.

Checking it off

Today I can officially check off not smoking on my list of resolutions. I have reached my 21 day mark! Yay me! Today will also be a test of my strength and resistance. I am hanging out with my friend for the weekend and well she is a smoker. This should be fun, :( 

I am so looking forward to a weekend out and about. I haven't really done much since New Years. I have been in my little bubble and I am starting to get too comfortable in it. I am pretty excited about going and working with the homeless tomorrow too. I have a fairly decent size group coming with me. I find that when I am the most down and out that helping others just seems to really lift my spirits and makes me feel so much better.

On another note: the whole Vegan Fast thing is going a lot better. I guess my body has finally adjusted to the strange things I am eating. It's amazing that by eliminating sweets and meats I have ten times the energy that I had before. 

I finally feel like things are starting to be on the up and up. I feel like I am starting to really move on from my past.

Sometimes Change isn't Fun

This week I started this new diet/healthy eating thing, the whole Vegan Fast. It all sounds easy in writing but actually doing it is a challenge. The first part of the week I failed to actually start it. It wasn't until today while grocery shopping that I fully committed to the plan. I decided to get a vegetable burger instead of the real deal, no problem I like those. What I didn't count on was my body not liking them. I guess sometimes we try and change too much and our body doesn't like it. Even though my body/stomach had an adverse reaction to the food, I must continue on this challenge! 

I love how when you decide to reframe from eating certain foods you all the sudden find so many shows or ads about that one type of food. While cooking my veggie burger I sat down to watch what I thought was a cake challenge and it turned out to be some barbeque challenge, seriously! Of all things this show had to be all about meat and not just pork either, it had chicken and beef to, how cruel! I am starting to see that temptation is all around and it is how you react to it that determines your success with your goals. For now, I will resist you temptation, try me another day.

It's a Heart Thing

Hello Faithful Readers,
Last night was suppose to be an entry night but I got caught up in some wonderful conversations with friends and family and before I knew it it was 3:30 in the morning and I was exhausted of thinking. So change of plans.
Yesterday was an interesting day for me and a huge test. A good deal of my smoking was done while driving,  a 45 minute trip equaled 3 cigarettes for me. Yesterday I had a meeting at a friends house and it was 45 minutes away, that's fine. I didn't think much of it until I got in my car and smelled my former lifestyle, gross. I got out of the driveway and had to stop in the middle of the road to find a small bottle of air freshener hidden in my passenger door pocket, the smell was too overwhelming and I hated it. I made it there without having to stop at a gas station to pick up my favorite pack. But then there was the ride home and about halfway to my destination the air freshener had run out and I really needed to stop to get gas. While stopped at a light I look over at the car sitting next to me and there sat this hot guy in his mustang smoking a cigarette, I starred so long that I didn't realize the light had turned green. Needless to say my trip home did not involve a stop at the gas station! I couldn't do it, I was too weak and I would cave if I stopped. Even through the trials and doubt of my day trip I made it to and from without smoking a single cigarette!
I am a full believer in the statement that it takes 21 days to break or start a habit. So come the 21st "becoming a non-smoker" will receive a big check on my list of resolutions.
On another note, I know that many people make resolutions for the year and as the months go by the resolutions become less and less important, that's not the case for me. It is all about timing for me. I was already going through so much change, I left a great deal of friends behind when I moved back to Atlanta, I left my job, and I finally left my boyfriend, I left everything. 2009 was a year of leaving things, leaving Atlanta for Augusta, graduating school, leaving everything that I had grown so attached to and it hurt. For me in order to not feel the pain of losing those things I had to put my PR spin on it, make it into something better. So I decided that 2010 was going to be my PR spin, 2010 was a year of change. Everything that I left I knew in my heart needed to be let go of and all of my "resolutions" are things that my heart wants to change, it's just a matter of getting my mind and body to catch up with my heart. Last night while in deep conversation with some friends about life experiences, one of them said such a profound thing to me. When we want to change things we tend to try and change the things around us hoping that it will change the feelings in us but that is the wrong way. We have to change the insides before we can change the outside or we will fail. Now those are not his exact words but that is what I took from what he said. For those that really know me, you know how much I hate change, it really messes with my head. I have to have everything perfectly in order for me to feel at ease. So this whole process is really pushing me out of my comfort zone but onward I go.

This weeks begins a new chapter, one that I hate the effort of but love the results. I am going on what I would like to call a Vegan Fast. For 21 days if it doesn't grow from the ground, I'm not eating it. That means no meats, no dairy, NO CHEESE, and no eggs. Now I would go crazy if I did all of this at once, so I am going to do this in steps, this week no eggs, next week no meats and no eggs, and then week 3 none of them. I am hoping to go longer than the 21 days but we will have to see on that. It all sounds good on paper, lets see how it goes. None the less it should turn out some interesting blogs!

The Hunt continues

Hello faithful readers, not much going on lately. I have been sitting back doing a lot of reflecting. Reflecting on my life, my direction in it, and everything else about it. I am still on the massive hunt for a job. For the past 2 months I have said that I am not going to settle for some stupid job that I am going to hate but that was 2 1/2 months ago and I have yet found my "close to or on the road to my dream job", so now here I sit with a wonder astronomical bill from Sallie Mae and I am forced to make a decision. The decision being continue to wait it out and have a debt collector call me or settle for whatever is available (not in my desired field). Well, since I would like to maintain my less than perfect but still decent credit rating I guess I am going for option number two. Come Monday morning I will be finding a local temp agencies and putting in my application. All of this considered I am not upset, no tears have been shed in the process of making this decision. Money aside, this staying home doing nothing but cooking is so boring and not my kind of life. I am a busy person, who likes to stay busy. During this borecation I have found that being trapped in your own thoughts for too long can be very boring. I have even started questioning my career choice (which is something that I love very much) but the thought of being rejected by one more company is driving me insane. Something has got to be done to our job market, companies beg for people to submit resumes and yet they do nothing. No REAL response back about even receiving it, just some generic automatic response of receipt. This is ridiculous! And to top it off, all these jobs that say that the possible needs to be filled immediately and then calls you back 7 MONTHS LATER, there has to be laws against this. I now know the true disappointments of job hunting! Well, less nagging and more hunting. God speed...

It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day!

It is a new dawn and a new day! Well after my last posting things are starting to look and feel a lot better. I recently heard one of my favorite songs by Michael Buble- Feeling Good. As I sat back and listened to the words I realized that it really applied to me and what parts didn't apply I was going to make it apply. It is a new day and a new life for me. My favorite part is "and this old world is a new world and a bold world for me".  After sitting at my computer playing the song over and over again until I knew every word, suddenly a sense of freedom came over me and I realized that I am feeling good. I have decided that the moment I start to have that bad feeling creep in that I will stop and say freedom is mine and I know how I feel and I feel good. Thank you Anthony Newley for these inspirational lyrics.

 

The Calm before the storm

Today was a difficult day, for no reason but it was. I had no temptations to smoke but there was no lack of problems. I started my morning randomly bursting into tears, for no reason, over the stupidest thing. And as long as I kept busy through out the day I was fine. I tried everything to avoid the unknown upsetting emotion inside of me; I cooked, I made candles from old candles, I sewed, and then I cooked again, but the moment I sat down to watch a movie with my family it was like the tears were waiting for an excuse to come out. After time with my family had ended and my alone time began the tears overtook me. I just started cluelessly balling. I started to realize that it is my overwhelming frustration that has built up inside of me begging for release that overcame my stubbornness. I also realized that I am apparently going through another stage of grief, depression. As like every person that deals with some sort of loss in their life we think that we are the exception to the rule, it wasn't until I looked up the stages of grief that I realized that I was dealing with them. I didn't realize it because before every stage there was the calm feeling deep inside that made me feel that I was over everything and then another stage hit. Well, today depression hit. Thanks! And it really makes me mad. Why you say, this is normal. Not for me. I pride myself on being able to hold my head up high and keep smiling through everything. I was able to for years in my terrible relationship, why not now? It makes it all the more frustrating for me. I know that life is not fair and I am not looking for a pity party but why is it that good people get hurt and bad people get all the riches of the world.
One of the things I have been doing is working with the homeless and the last outreach I worked this man walked up to me and was thoroughly upset with what we were doing for these people. This man had a warm, nice house in a not so cheap area of town and he was so mean to these people that had nothing but the the things in their hands and these are good people, that have had misfortune find them, yet this man was willing to destroy this brief moment of happiness we were bringing, why? Because it was out of his comfort zone. This man really upset me. I just don't understand people. This story reminded me of how mean people can be to undeserving people.
Back to the stages of grief. I was really shocked to read through the stages. Not because I had never heard of them before, but because I saw scenarios of my life playing out as I read each stage. The good thing is depression is number 4 out the 5 and number 5 is the one I long for, Acceptance.
In reading this article on grief two interesting things stood out to me. The first one being "nurture yourself, no one else can do it but you". Wow, for years I have been so focused on taking care of someone else that I forgot how to nurture myself and the past couple of months I have been turning to other sources of nurturing. The other point was "Allow yourself to grieve and give yourself as much time as you need to adjust to what has happened". This stood out to me because I have been trying to rush the process, convincing myself over and over again that I am over it, but I'm not. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day I will truly be over it and abundantly happy again.

For once in my life knowledge is comfort.

Days 6 & 7

Well I am finishing out the 1st week of my Resolutions Project and so far I am happy to say that I have not smoked at all! I am really surprised! There have been cravings here and there but I have pushed right through them, with a little help of my friend named food. On the downside, I feel like I have gain about 50 pounds trying to overcome this goal which is a problem seeing how I am suppose to be losing weight not the other way around. No problem, really?!?! I think I will continue to push off the losing weight thing for another month, secretly I am just dreading it. The problem with losing weight is it typically cost money and well I have none. And the other problem is I am an extremely picky eater, but I enjoy food. So I will be turning to you all for some creative problem-solving on that front, but that's another week, still focusing on the not smoking and 10 other things.

On another note, I have had some major set backs to this moving on thing. I was feeling good and wasn't really thinking about all the memories until yesterday. I had a strange dream that involved him and it was like a flood of memories came rushing in, some good and bad. I felt like I was going through the whole ordeal over again and I hate that. My mind plays the memories like movies in my head over and over and over again and I just want to press stop on the remote but I can't. I am really struggling with this and I have no clue how to make it go away? I guess I am really searching for some advice from those that have been through this. What should I do?

The Journey Continues

Well days 4 and 5 have passed and I have yet to have a cigarette. It's amazing the things your body goes through trying to purge out the toxins you so easily pumped in for years. This week I have been sick and moody. I have stayed in my bedroom for the better part of the day. I would probably cause more harm than good. Day 5 was the worst so far. I was alone all day and would of loved nothing more than to drink my coffee and smoke my cigarette but I did neither, instead I read, all day. Reading has become my new addiction so to speak. Since nothing else seems to be working out for the moment, I enjoy spending my day lost in some fantasy world reading of the problems each character is facing instead of truly reflecting on my own. Why not, their problems are much less depressing than mine. I figure that once I am done with this book, my body will be done detoxing and I can regain the energy I once had to actually do something with my day.

Aside from the not smoking, I haven't really done much about the other resolutions. Some seem like mountains that I am not prepared to climb, others mountains I am just sitting at the top of wondering where to go from here.

I feel that I am at some what of a stand still with the moving on part of my life. Thoughts of the past enter in here and there throughout the day but don't seem to really faze me but what is next? What else is there to do to move on? I feel like I have done all the physical things I can do to move on. Move from a different state, rid myself of all the things that create painful memories, yet I still feel lost. What else is there to do? I guess just wait, let time really heal me. It feels like a wound with a bandage over it, it keeps itching and I am so ready for the band aid to come off but yet I am still worried that if I remove it that I will expose the wound to the harsh surroundings it's not ready for. For now I will wait and let more time pass until I know for sure this wound has fully healed.

The Art of Quitting Smoking

Well days 2 and 3 were fun. I haven't had a cigarette since New Years night (go me)! I would be lying if I said it hasn't been hard, it has been extremely hard. I came to realize when I woke up yesterday morning that it wasn't the nicotine that I was addicted to, it's the ritual of the act. Every morning I get up and grab the dogs leash and grab a cigarette. Smoking allowed me to escape the boredom of walking my dog in the freezing cold or the burning heat of the summer! There are only about 3 situations that make me want to smoke; boredom, stress, & socializing. By eliminating those situations in my life I should have no problem quitting, right. But Houston we have a problem, those 3 small situations that prompt me to smoke are life. I can't change or eliminate those things from my life. I just need something else to concentrate on.  I fully prepared myself with 15 packs of gum (no lie) to supplement for my other craving. So instead of concentrating on my smoke rings, I concentrated on not biting my tongue or cheek. Great, I made it through the morning. Now I really tested myself by dealing with a stressful situation, which stress is a major trigger for me. I went to visit my grandmother in the hospital, she was in a crowded room of family. I love them but it can be stressful. Well again with lots of pieces of gum I failed to have a single cigarette the entire time. By the time we got home I was so exhausted that I rushed my dog out for a quick walk and wasn't even slightly tempted to smoke.
Today I woke up feeling like crap and craving a cigarette and hoping that the headache would go away. I spent most of my day in bed sick, probably withdraws, and reading. The cravings are becoming less evil but they still exist. So in a nutshell, Days 2 & 3 finished successfully, lets hope that the next month continues the same way.

Aside from quitting smoking there are 11 other resolutions to complete. Today I did something really difficult. I decided that in order for me to move on that I needed to delete some photos of my past. It's bad enough having the memories but to see them on a daily basis is really hard. So today I deleted them, oh there was hesitation but once the window popped up with the "Are you really sure you want to delete this" question, every trace of hesitation was gone. Once I pressed okay a soothing feeling came over me, like I had fully closed that chapter in my life. If only deleting photos allowed me to complete this resolution, I wish. I'm not sure what step in the process will be the deciding one on which I know that this resolution will be complete, I kind of figured that I will just know.

Well enough deep thinking for now, more sleep is needed.

Day 1- The List

Well in order to understand my list of Resolutions it is probably best to get a little background information on me. Hmmm... Where to start? Well, I recently moved back in with my parents after living in South Carolina with my now ex boyfriend. We split after a 4 1/2 year yo-yo relationship. During our relationship I developed a nasty habit, smoking, and yes I know it is bad for me and I shouldn't do it but I do. Moving on... After college I moved to be closer to him and started working at a news station, loved it, hated the pay. After our break-up I couldn't really afford living on my own so I moved back in with my parents. I love my parents. they truly are amazing people but we all know what happens when you live with mom and dad... Mom's great cooking starts staring you back in the mirror and with the holidays, I really shouldn't have to continue my reasoning. Well, while living with mom and dad I have started to go back to church and get my life in order. That involves a little cleaning up and changing of my bad habits. So now that you are all caught up here is my list of resolutions, now they are not in any particular order but I am challenging myself to complete them all. Many will take time...

1) Move on with my life and put the past behind me. (I have a tendency to hold onto past hurts and keep beating myself up about them).
2) Get a job (and not just a meaningless job to pay bills, one that I am going to be truly happy at.)
3) YOUR FAVORITE I AM SURE- Quit Smoking (that should be fun)
4) Losing an anonymous amount of weight (Thank you mom and holiday yummies)
5) Meet new people (in particular a man, a wonderful man who treats me right)
6) Find real joy in life and stop taking advantage of the wonderful moments everyday
7) Be more adventurous (I have so many fears and live for planning everything out, asking me how thats working)
8) Do more for others (I love working with people and I just need more of that in my life)
9) Working on my temper (Most of the time I am pretty passive and relaxed but there are moments of anger I need to control better)
10) Stop being selfish and start being selfless (this is going to be a tough one I can feel it)
11) Write more (Well keeping up with this blog should check that one off the list)
12) To stay focused on my goals!

Well there are 12 resolutions and 12 months to do them. For January I am tackling quitting smoking!

Hello 2010, you will be a good year!