I guess in order to address the present we need to visit the past. For so many years I place such an importance on my name, it gave me this inner power-like feeling, a sort of confidence. It all started many years ago, in high school I think, one day I met a guest speaker and introduced myself "Hi, I'm Jennie Vaughn". You see I rarely introduce myself as just Jennie most of the time my last name always follows. The woman looked at me dead in the eyes and said something that stuck with me to this day, "Jennie Vaughn, huh. That's a power name you know! It's a name people will remember, a good name I might say." From that day on I took more pride in my name than I ever did. Even in college I sold myself on my name, when other students branded their companies for their portfolio I on the other hand branded my name. For years I stood alone on my good name, nobody else to support it but me. Well during college I stupidly decided to attach my name to other people, ones that lacked a good reputation. As we all know, when you a line yourself with those type of people you too begin to unknowingly earn the same reputation as them, it begins to taint your good name. This all became aware to me recently when a college buddy I hadn't kept in touch with was unaware of the current changes in my life and in their pity stated "I'm so surprised, it was always Jennie and so and so this and Jennie and so and so that. You guys were attached at the hip." I was horrified, my name was attached to his. I know that we had done a lot together and we shared a lot of interest, so it wasn't a surprise to see both of us on set together, but we were two totally different people with completely different perspectives on our interest. I sat there and thought, does everyone I know from my college years only see me and him, not all the work that I did with or without him. What about all the awards that I won, without him. Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot while with him but it was nothing that I couldn't have learned without him. Anyways, it really upset me to think that my name won't be remembered for all that I accomplished but because of who I was with. This was reason number 1 for the name change.
Reason number 2. I always remember the story about Beyonce and her stage name for herself, Sasha Fierce. She had this persona that gave her more confidence and allowed her to be more than she could ever be. It was like her superhero version of herself. I remember joking with a friend about what my stage name would be/ what my superhero name was. You see I grew up with many Jenny's in my life, it's a popular name. Because I was never the "original Jenny" I was alway referred to as Jennie V not to be confused with my friend Jenny B. (which we often were and are). I remember in college people hearing Jennie V and thinking that my name was Genevieve and of course I would correct them. So when my friend and I talked about our superhero names I thought of Jenevieve, it was all me just a little disguised just like a superhero. During my relationship when I had really lost track of who I was, in public I acted the way I thought Jenevieve would act (I'm not crazy and I don't have multiple personalities). I'm a writer and I think about life through the eyes of characters in a book or script. Jenevieve was the ultra version of me, essentially what I wanted to be. She had confidence that could not be easily shattered, she dusted off snide comments or looks, she stood up for what she believed in, she was equally passionate and compassionate, people looked up to her not down on her, she knew what direction she was headed and laughed at the obstacles in her way . That's who I saw myself as, who I wanted to be, but I couldn't because fear was holding me back. Many people would look at me and say that I did those things, not really, it was that mask I talked about in one of my previous blogs. Jenevieve is what I wanted Jennie Vaughn to be, unfortunately Jennie Vaughn was too afraid of what people thought about her and what was being said behind her back. You see some years ago I discovered I had a talent, I have a BS vision. I know instantly when someone is lying to me, I guess you could say it's Jenevieve's superpower. In order to see through many lies, you have to be a talented liar yourself, not that I out right lied about who I was but more like I was a very surface person, I played up my strengths and hid my weaknesses. Unfortunately we all have our weakness and mine was acceptance. You don't make a lot of friends by calling people out all the time or just not letting people in at all and yet I wanted people to accept me, I just wanted to know that I was welcome whenever I decided to be apart of the group. And because of that longing for acceptance you tend to bend in some areas of your life, like standing up for what you believe in, not doing things you will regret, all the things that made me proud of Jennie Vaughn.
So during this time of self discovery I saw that the name I once loved, I was ashamed of. It no longer gave me a sense of pride and ownership. I realized that I lost all the things that made me proud to say that name. So I wanted to do an act of reclaiming who I was, who Jennie Vaughn wants to be and should be, therefore I temporarily changed my name to something I want Jennie Vaughn to represent in the future. Also I wanted no part in the tainted versions of me and the lies that had been spread around, that's not me and it's not who I am. Who I am is confident, passionate, compassionate, joyful, giving, a leader, and is on the move, love me or hate me it's who I am, so get on or get off cause this train is picking up speed and there is no stopping it right now.
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