Life is funny sometimes. Sometimes we stress so much about certain things in our life and it turns out to be a good thing. Many of you know that I am a deep thinker. Sometimes I feel like Gregory House (from the show House), never fails that near the end of his show he will be in mid sentence and a revelation happens and he has his "Aha!" moment and then rushes off to save the day. Well my moments have no real significance and I definitely don't save the day but boy do I get some deep insight into life at times.
The other day I was having a very typical conversation with a person, nothing really personal, just "How ya doing?" For some unknown reason I responded, "Just hanging on the roller-coaster of life". And to that the person responded, as many people would, "I hope for mostly ups". I agreed and went on with my day not really thinking much about it. As I was driving home my dad pointed out a carnival off the express-way and "aha!", I thought about that brief conversation. I looked at the carnival and thought about the ones that I had been too, mostly fun until I got to the, what they would like to refer to as, a "roller-coaster". In all honesty there is not much to it, you go up a few feet, come to a straight stretch, whip around a corner, go down a hill, and back up and then it's over, not really that much fun. When I think of a roller-coaster, I can't say that a carnival one is the type I picture. I envision one that has this slow and intense climb to the top of a steep hill and then it whips so fast around a corner it takes your breath away, and then it plummets down and then back up and goes in a loop and once you come out of the loop you are climbing right back up another hill only to plummet further down into this cave-like slope where you can't even see the bottom, it's pitch black dark and you feel the coaster slowing down. Then suddenly off in the distance you see a speck of light slowly growing closer and closer and as the light fills your surroundings your eyes begin to readjust and it's like you are seeing the whole thing for the first time. You hear the chains as they slowly pull the coaster up the incline and you look up but all you see are the tracks heading up. You look back and what seemed so scary has become so small in comparison to where you are headed. You hang out at the top for a while and then you plummet down one last time until you suddenly stop, rides over. And even though there were times that jerked you around so hard it hurt and you were falling down so fast it scared you to death, you still want to get back on the ride. That's how life is, we have many ups and downs. For every up (success) we have to come from a down (depression for some). You see a roller-coaster is all about momentum, all those twist and turns, ups and downs are what allow the ride to climb higher and higher, and that's what makes it exciting. So many of us want to not think about or not have the down hills in our lives, it's hard to face, sometimes even scary, but those down hills gives us new eyes to see a multitude of perspectives. If we are only at the top all the time, all we see are the small things, nothing is important and in return if we are only at the bottom, everything is too big, it begins to become overwhelming but its when we travel from the bottom to the top that we gain appreciation for those things in our life and a sense of humility. For me, it's when I am in the down slopes in life that's when I learn to face my fears and come out of the dark whole that I was just in, with so much knowledge and fresh eyes to see new things that before I couldn't see because I had my hands over my eyes. I chose to embrace the down hills in life because I know that they will help me get to the top, and the further down I was, the higher I will climb. I also thought about the sounds of the chains pulling my up with my hands raised in the air, those sounds are the friends and family cheering you on as you climb your way to the top. No one's roller-coaster is the same, but we all have one.
In life I think of the journey to the valleys and down slopes as the mistakes or actions that got us there. We all have them, some deeper than others but they are there. So many of us choose to stay in our valleys, it's comfortable there, why not. Climbing out of a valley is hard work, but the more you climb, the more you are headed to the top of the mountain of your success. I'm not saying that we can't be successful in our valleys but think about how much more successful you will be once you actually start climbing. Those lessons that we learned from our mistakes are our path stones up our mountain. If it wasn't for the valley's and mountains of life, we would be on a plateau, nowhere to go but straight and nothing to learn, BORING! I don't want to live a boring life, I want an exciting life, so I just have to deal and learn from all that goes with it!
It's funny that a simple response triggered all of this inside of me. What was even funnier was I took my GRE exam for my Master's program and the first part of the exam is a written part. You get to choose from two different topics and you have to write an essay on one. As I glanced at the screen the first option was about a quote "Only through our mistakes can there be discovery and progress", I didn't even look at option number two, I knew that was what I wanted to write about. The entire night before all I could think about was how much I have learned from my mistakes and how my roller-coaster was finally coming into the light and I was beginning to see things from a new perspective. All night I thought about this and here I now had an opportunity to write from the heart exactly what I was thinking about the night before. Oh, how life can be so funny.
I don't go to the amusement park to ride the train, I go to ride the roller-coasters. So I will keep on hanging onto the roller-coaster of life with my hands in the air not looking back but keeping my eyes fixed at the top!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
What is a name?
Many of you that are my facebook friends may have recently noticed the random name change and today I have decided to address my reasoning behind the sudden change.
I guess in order to address the present we need to visit the past. For so many years I place such an importance on my name, it gave me this inner power-like feeling, a sort of confidence. It all started many years ago, in high school I think, one day I met a guest speaker and introduced myself "Hi, I'm Jennie Vaughn". You see I rarely introduce myself as just Jennie most of the time my last name always follows. The woman looked at me dead in the eyes and said something that stuck with me to this day, "Jennie Vaughn, huh. That's a power name you know! It's a name people will remember, a good name I might say." From that day on I took more pride in my name than I ever did. Even in college I sold myself on my name, when other students branded their companies for their portfolio I on the other hand branded my name. For years I stood alone on my good name, nobody else to support it but me. Well during college I stupidly decided to attach my name to other people, ones that lacked a good reputation. As we all know, when you a line yourself with those type of people you too begin to unknowingly earn the same reputation as them, it begins to taint your good name. This all became aware to me recently when a college buddy I hadn't kept in touch with was unaware of the current changes in my life and in their pity stated "I'm so surprised, it was always Jennie and so and so this and Jennie and so and so that. You guys were attached at the hip." I was horrified, my name was attached to his. I know that we had done a lot together and we shared a lot of interest, so it wasn't a surprise to see both of us on set together, but we were two totally different people with completely different perspectives on our interest. I sat there and thought, does everyone I know from my college years only see me and him, not all the work that I did with or without him. What about all the awards that I won, without him. Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot while with him but it was nothing that I couldn't have learned without him. Anyways, it really upset me to think that my name won't be remembered for all that I accomplished but because of who I was with. This was reason number 1 for the name change.
Reason number 2. I always remember the story about Beyonce and her stage name for herself, Sasha Fierce. She had this persona that gave her more confidence and allowed her to be more than she could ever be. It was like her superhero version of herself. I remember joking with a friend about what my stage name would be/ what my superhero name was. You see I grew up with many Jenny's in my life, it's a popular name. Because I was never the "original Jenny" I was alway referred to as Jennie V not to be confused with my friend Jenny B. (which we often were and are). I remember in college people hearing Jennie V and thinking that my name was Genevieve and of course I would correct them. So when my friend and I talked about our superhero names I thought of Jenevieve, it was all me just a little disguised just like a superhero. During my relationship when I had really lost track of who I was, in public I acted the way I thought Jenevieve would act (I'm not crazy and I don't have multiple personalities). I'm a writer and I think about life through the eyes of characters in a book or script. Jenevieve was the ultra version of me, essentially what I wanted to be. She had confidence that could not be easily shattered, she dusted off snide comments or looks, she stood up for what she believed in, she was equally passionate and compassionate, people looked up to her not down on her, she knew what direction she was headed and laughed at the obstacles in her way . That's who I saw myself as, who I wanted to be, but I couldn't because fear was holding me back. Many people would look at me and say that I did those things, not really, it was that mask I talked about in one of my previous blogs. Jenevieve is what I wanted Jennie Vaughn to be, unfortunately Jennie Vaughn was too afraid of what people thought about her and what was being said behind her back. You see some years ago I discovered I had a talent, I have a BS vision. I know instantly when someone is lying to me, I guess you could say it's Jenevieve's superpower. In order to see through many lies, you have to be a talented liar yourself, not that I out right lied about who I was but more like I was a very surface person, I played up my strengths and hid my weaknesses. Unfortunately we all have our weakness and mine was acceptance. You don't make a lot of friends by calling people out all the time or just not letting people in at all and yet I wanted people to accept me, I just wanted to know that I was welcome whenever I decided to be apart of the group. And because of that longing for acceptance you tend to bend in some areas of your life, like standing up for what you believe in, not doing things you will regret, all the things that made me proud of Jennie Vaughn.
So during this time of self discovery I saw that the name I once loved, I was ashamed of. It no longer gave me a sense of pride and ownership. I realized that I lost all the things that made me proud to say that name. So I wanted to do an act of reclaiming who I was, who Jennie Vaughn wants to be and should be, therefore I temporarily changed my name to something I want Jennie Vaughn to represent in the future. Also I wanted no part in the tainted versions of me and the lies that had been spread around, that's not me and it's not who I am. Who I am is confident, passionate, compassionate, joyful, giving, a leader, and is on the move, love me or hate me it's who I am, so get on or get off cause this train is picking up speed and there is no stopping it right now.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Past and Present
Two weeks have passed since my last entry and two months have passed since I began this project. I felt like with the beginning on month three, it would be a great time to review my resolutions/goals for the year. I find that when making goals the month we stop looking at that list, we lose focus on the end product and give up. I refuse to give up, as hard as some may be I am not giving up. So lets refresh ourselves with the resolutions and take a peek at the progress on them.
1) Move on with my life and put the past behind me.
This one I can honestly say I feel like I can check it off. In the past I always felt that moving on meant, as it applies to relationships, that I removed myself from one and started a new one. In the past few months I have come to realize that this is not true, for me at least. For a while I felt like I wanted to be in a new relationship but recently I have changed my views on that, I am completely happy just the way things are, no man in my life and all. For so long I grew so attached to the relationships in my life that I lost who I was, I defined myself by who I was friends with. Sure I showed hints of my personality but I always felt a slight uncomfortableness deep inside. These past few months have allowed me some time to get to know me and I enjoy that.
2) Get a job
Unfortunately this goal cannot be checked off. As much as this is frustrating I am not letting it get me down. I know that there is the perfect job for me out there... somewhere... (hopefully sometime soon). I have definitely had my ups and downs with this one, my good days and my bad days. I calculated since returning back to Atlanta I have applied to 583 jobs, no joke. Most of which I never hear anything about, but none the less I keep applying.
3) Quit Smoking
Funny, when I reread my feelings about conquering this particular goal at that time I felt like this was going to be such a challenge. It has been the easiest of them all. I feel so much better since I have quit. No more nasty cough or stinky smell. I have, for the most part, gotten the smell out of my car for the exception of when I turn the heat on. My trick for doing so, if any of you are wondering, is placing a bounce laundry bar in my backseat window, works like a charm and leaves such a refreshing scent behind.
4) Losing an anonymous amount of weight
Well, this is a tricky one. I tried the whole vegan 21 day fast and for the most part it worked out really well, I lost about 15 pounds. I can't say that all 15 pounds have remained off but I am still working hard at it. I have done well with cutting out sodas and caffeine in general, every now and again I will have one. I do drink tons of coffee but it's caffeine-free. I continue to drink tons of water a day and I only eat meat about once a day. I have added a lot more vegetables into my meals, so I feel like I am on the right course. I am on my 3 weeks off right now but next week I plan to do the fast again. The whole goal is to eventually make a life style change.
5) Meet new people
Funny, to think that the whole goal of this one was to meet a guy. Well as discussed earlier, I don't really care about that one, BUT I am meeting tons of new people and getting to know some old ones. I think at first I was really hesitant about this one, especially being so hurt by my ex who was my best friend as well, but I have really turned a new stone on this front. I have really begun to enjoy really getting to know people that I knew from the past. I also have taking time out of my busy yet not so busy life to spend time with complete strangers and getting to know them. I look forward to the last saturday of each month and going downtown with a group and spending time with the forgotten people of Atlanta. I enjoy my conversations with them, along with the photographs I get to take. Those days are amongst the highlights of my month. It's funny, I use to consider myself as the most outgoing introvert you ever met and now I am not that anymore. It feels so good to finally take the mask off of who I was, as if a weight has truly been lifted.
6) Find real joy in life and stop taking advantage of the wonderful moments everyday
I have definitely found joy in my life. Even just rereading what I have written today I can see on the screen the joy and happiness that I have found in my life. Now again this is not to say I don't have my rough days, but man are they fewer than what I use to have. I find myself smiling a lot more and not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. What a great feeling this is.
7) Be more adventurous
I can't say I have really done much about this one. I guess in a way I have, because of not having a job and not really knowing where I will be this year or what I will be doing has allowed me to throw the planning book out the window. I feel like me being adventurous, right now at least, is me living in the moment. I know that for the most part I can do anything I want at any given moment (as long as it cost nothing, lol). I guess for me being adventurous is me feeling free and I do feel that, but I would like to do more and go on more adventures!
8) Do more for others
I think I am on the road to that. I definitely feel like I do more than I use to. Like I said, I love spending time doing stuff for the homeless in Atlanta. I was thinking about that the other day, I so easily could be in many of their shoes, losing or leaving a job/city for one reason or another, unexpectedly finding yourself without a home; I know what it's like, if it wasn't for friends and family putting me up, I would be there... on a street... alone. It breaks my heart to see people in that situation because of the state of our economy, I feel their pain. Aside from that I have been giving of my talents and skills to various people and organizations. I have a very use it or lose it mentality and at the same time I am helping other people out and that feels good.
9) Working on my temper
I have not done anything about this one. I see it, I realize that is it welling up inside me, but I feel like I cannot do anything about it. Driving less has definitely decreased my desire to stop at lights and chew someone out for their lack of driving skills, so that's a plus. I think I have traded it for going to the super market and seeing people's lack of bagging groceries or incompetence to walk around acting civil to the other shoppers, and I have had a few moments that I let my frustration be known to the people but I do feel that I acted maturely and with a good attitude. Again, I am working on it. I can't accomplished all 12 in two months, there is still time :).
10) Stop being selfish and start being selfless
I think this sort of goes back to the Doing More for Others. At times doing stuff for other people has been for selfish reasons but the fact that I even thought of doing it to begin with is a step for me. I guess what my problem is, is that I will do whatever anyone wants as long as it is something I will enjoy doing, still pretty selfish. So again, another work in progress.
11) Write more
Well for a while I was doing great with this one but once I got to a point that I got all my upsetting emotions out, I felt like there was nothing really to write about. I have stories in my head, I just don't take the time to stop watching tv and write them. I can't consider myself a writer unless I write! So I will work on this one, again!
12) To stay focused on my goals!
I am definitely staying focused even though there have been many times that I just wanted to give up. There have been times that I have told myself "I am done with this, it's too hard, it's too frustrating. I am not working on this anymore." I go to bed and clear my head and the next morning I start again, working on those goals. I just keep reminding myself that the end result for all of these goals will make me a better person and an even more happier person!
So in revisiting my resolutions and goals I feel like I am working hard even though I may not be seeing tons of progress. Thanks to all of you for the encouraging words and your words of wisdom. It is a long journey and we are 1/6 of the way through it.
1) Move on with my life and put the past behind me.
This one I can honestly say I feel like I can check it off. In the past I always felt that moving on meant, as it applies to relationships, that I removed myself from one and started a new one. In the past few months I have come to realize that this is not true, for me at least. For a while I felt like I wanted to be in a new relationship but recently I have changed my views on that, I am completely happy just the way things are, no man in my life and all. For so long I grew so attached to the relationships in my life that I lost who I was, I defined myself by who I was friends with. Sure I showed hints of my personality but I always felt a slight uncomfortableness deep inside. These past few months have allowed me some time to get to know me and I enjoy that.
2) Get a job
Unfortunately this goal cannot be checked off. As much as this is frustrating I am not letting it get me down. I know that there is the perfect job for me out there... somewhere... (hopefully sometime soon). I have definitely had my ups and downs with this one, my good days and my bad days. I calculated since returning back to Atlanta I have applied to 583 jobs, no joke. Most of which I never hear anything about, but none the less I keep applying.
3) Quit Smoking
Funny, when I reread my feelings about conquering this particular goal at that time I felt like this was going to be such a challenge. It has been the easiest of them all. I feel so much better since I have quit. No more nasty cough or stinky smell. I have, for the most part, gotten the smell out of my car for the exception of when I turn the heat on. My trick for doing so, if any of you are wondering, is placing a bounce laundry bar in my backseat window, works like a charm and leaves such a refreshing scent behind.
4) Losing an anonymous amount of weight
Well, this is a tricky one. I tried the whole vegan 21 day fast and for the most part it worked out really well, I lost about 15 pounds. I can't say that all 15 pounds have remained off but I am still working hard at it. I have done well with cutting out sodas and caffeine in general, every now and again I will have one. I do drink tons of coffee but it's caffeine-free. I continue to drink tons of water a day and I only eat meat about once a day. I have added a lot more vegetables into my meals, so I feel like I am on the right course. I am on my 3 weeks off right now but next week I plan to do the fast again. The whole goal is to eventually make a life style change.
5) Meet new people
Funny, to think that the whole goal of this one was to meet a guy. Well as discussed earlier, I don't really care about that one, BUT I am meeting tons of new people and getting to know some old ones. I think at first I was really hesitant about this one, especially being so hurt by my ex who was my best friend as well, but I have really turned a new stone on this front. I have really begun to enjoy really getting to know people that I knew from the past. I also have taking time out of my busy yet not so busy life to spend time with complete strangers and getting to know them. I look forward to the last saturday of each month and going downtown with a group and spending time with the forgotten people of Atlanta. I enjoy my conversations with them, along with the photographs I get to take. Those days are amongst the highlights of my month. It's funny, I use to consider myself as the most outgoing introvert you ever met and now I am not that anymore. It feels so good to finally take the mask off of who I was, as if a weight has truly been lifted.
6) Find real joy in life and stop taking advantage of the wonderful moments everyday
I have definitely found joy in my life. Even just rereading what I have written today I can see on the screen the joy and happiness that I have found in my life. Now again this is not to say I don't have my rough days, but man are they fewer than what I use to have. I find myself smiling a lot more and not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. What a great feeling this is.
7) Be more adventurous
I can't say I have really done much about this one. I guess in a way I have, because of not having a job and not really knowing where I will be this year or what I will be doing has allowed me to throw the planning book out the window. I feel like me being adventurous, right now at least, is me living in the moment. I know that for the most part I can do anything I want at any given moment (as long as it cost nothing, lol). I guess for me being adventurous is me feeling free and I do feel that, but I would like to do more and go on more adventures!
8) Do more for others
I think I am on the road to that. I definitely feel like I do more than I use to. Like I said, I love spending time doing stuff for the homeless in Atlanta. I was thinking about that the other day, I so easily could be in many of their shoes, losing or leaving a job/city for one reason or another, unexpectedly finding yourself without a home; I know what it's like, if it wasn't for friends and family putting me up, I would be there... on a street... alone. It breaks my heart to see people in that situation because of the state of our economy, I feel their pain. Aside from that I have been giving of my talents and skills to various people and organizations. I have a very use it or lose it mentality and at the same time I am helping other people out and that feels good.
9) Working on my temper
I have not done anything about this one. I see it, I realize that is it welling up inside me, but I feel like I cannot do anything about it. Driving less has definitely decreased my desire to stop at lights and chew someone out for their lack of driving skills, so that's a plus. I think I have traded it for going to the super market and seeing people's lack of bagging groceries or incompetence to walk around acting civil to the other shoppers, and I have had a few moments that I let my frustration be known to the people but I do feel that I acted maturely and with a good attitude. Again, I am working on it. I can't accomplished all 12 in two months, there is still time :).
10) Stop being selfish and start being selfless
I think this sort of goes back to the Doing More for Others. At times doing stuff for other people has been for selfish reasons but the fact that I even thought of doing it to begin with is a step for me. I guess what my problem is, is that I will do whatever anyone wants as long as it is something I will enjoy doing, still pretty selfish. So again, another work in progress.
11) Write more
Well for a while I was doing great with this one but once I got to a point that I got all my upsetting emotions out, I felt like there was nothing really to write about. I have stories in my head, I just don't take the time to stop watching tv and write them. I can't consider myself a writer unless I write! So I will work on this one, again!
12) To stay focused on my goals!
I am definitely staying focused even though there have been many times that I just wanted to give up. There have been times that I have told myself "I am done with this, it's too hard, it's too frustrating. I am not working on this anymore." I go to bed and clear my head and the next morning I start again, working on those goals. I just keep reminding myself that the end result for all of these goals will make me a better person and an even more happier person!
So in revisiting my resolutions and goals I feel like I am working hard even though I may not be seeing tons of progress. Thanks to all of you for the encouraging words and your words of wisdom. It is a long journey and we are 1/6 of the way through it.
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