D Day or should I say B Day

Well my birthday has come and gone. At first I was looking forward to the day and then it arrived. I woke up that morning and couldn't get the thought of failure out of my head. Every time I turned around I heard myself yelling at myself about what a failure I was. In the past week or so I definitely had experienced some set backs and disappointments but I did not expect myself to beat me up as much as I did. I think that many of my friends that were around for my semi meltdown thought that it had to do with marriage and relationships and such but honestly it had little to nothing to do with it. It had more to do with all the dreams and goals that I have worked so hard to accomplish and experienced only failure from them. I am the person who gives 110% of myself to my dreams but many times things just don't work out according to plan and that can be rather frustrating. For me I begin to question or doubt my abilities in that area, the whole "well it didn't work out so I must not be good at it" attitude. Why do I beat myself up so much? Why do I doubt my abilities and gifts? Why must the road have so many boulders in the way? Why can't I have a smooth, easy path? So many questions of things I just don't understand. In life I see and hear of so many people that have easy, "this person never went to school, picked up a camera, and instantly opened a business. I am not that lucky, I have to work hard at everything I do and those people that do I am jealous of. I did have a good day but it was somewhat tainted with my own self hate. This morning as I was looking for my inspirational quote of the day that I post on facebook (which honestly is something I need for my own encouragement during this time) I came across one that was perfect for the feelings I have been having, " Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." That couldn't have come at a better time. It's hard to see through the failure of a dream but it doesn't mean that we should just give up. Everything is okay in the end, if it's not okay then it's not the end. Theses are things that I need to imprint on my brain every time I feel like a failure. I am not a defeated, I am just delayed.

The Passing of Time

It's unbelievable to me but in less than a week I will be 27. Time has flown by. Last night I had the hardest time sleeping, I couldn't stop thinking about my life. So far I have had mixed reviews about how my life has turned out thus far. I can remember 10 years thinking about college and what I had planned for my life. As far back as I can remember I have been a planner, I laid my life out, set deadlines, and had a timeline that I intended to follow. The only thing on that checklist that I have follow was college. Everything else has not gone according to plan. Don't get me wrong I am not 100% upset with that. I have grown up so much during that time and my view points have changed dramatically about many of those things on my timeline. For instance marriage, I had this plan to find my soulmate and be married by 21 or so. 6 years later not married and no soulmate in sight my focus on that has changed. I would love to find my soulmate but it is no longer a priority in my life and it doesn't determine my happiness. I wanted to be set in a great career and completely independent. Well at one point I was pretty well independent of my parents then some poor decisions occurred that brought me back home. Needless to say, I got sidetracked from my timeline and plan. You see I have never been a great multi-tasker.  I am good a committing and giving 110%, at one thing. I find it very challenging to give a 110% at multiple things at the same time, something always falls by the wayside. During college I was good at focusing at school and got into a relationship and focused a lot of energy into that too but once out of college I focused more energy than ever on that relationship that everything else got put on the shelf. I was so focused on my deadline to get married that it became a "by whatever means necessary" situation. I put everything important to me aside for that one goal, everything I valued was set on the shelf collecting dusk. After checking my priorities and some life changing events I came back to the storage unit of my life. Now I sit here a year later finally coming to terms with the past that I have created for myself. I have face the pain and hurt and I am ready to be propelled into my future and destiny. From a young age I knew that I had a strong purpose and destiny on my life, as the years have passed I have filled it with many distractions and diversions. Now almost 27 I am ready to stop stalling and ready to jump on that path. I am fully committed to this purpose whether I fully understand it or not, I'm taking a leap. Last night I sat there thinking about all the things I have learned, especially over the past year. As much disappointment as I have faced I am still pretty proud of myself and the minor to you but significant accomplishments I have made. I have faced many fears and overcome many obstacles, there were many times I felt like giving up, I pressed through. I am no longer the same person that I was; I am a greater, better, more awesome version of me, the real me!

Back to it!

I am back from Italy and finally getting settle back into my normal life again. What an amazing, life changing experience. If home is where the heart is, my home is in Italy. This trip was more amazing than I could have ever expected or dreamed of. I accomplished a few fears on the way. Now this isn't my first time out of the country by any means but it is the first time as an adult that I have flown by myself to a random country with no person holding my hand the whole way. Needless to say, I was slightly panicked and that's an understatement. I had to go from Atlanta to Paris, navigate Charles De Gaulle airport by myself and dig up my middle school French classes to communicate with the locals. As my plane got into Paris airspace I shed a few tears of joy. There are a few pictures of Paris on my wall the my late Uncle took many years ago and it has been a long time dream/goal to go to Paris and here I was doing it. Even though I wasn't going to travel through Paris, I was still there. Well, I got a slight culture shock. I found most of the French people I met to be so rude. They had a total disregard and lack of respect for the people around them. After Paris it was time to head off to Florence. Got there and had to get from the airport to the train station. I got a great taxi driver, who got me where I needed to go. Got to the train station and had to get a ticket. Well that was a challenge, I had no clue what the machine was saying, unlike Paris the people in Italy are so sweet. A nice woman saw the desperation on my face and asked if she could help me. I got my ticket then had to find my train, another person saw me standing there trying to figure out my platform and guided me to the right spot for me to board my train. Finally got on the train and had to figure out which station to get off on. I asked an older man, who was so sweet, when it was my stop he came and helped me get all my luggage off and made sure my friends were there to pick me up. the kindness of strangers continued the entire trip and there will be many stories to come about it. People in America don't do these things. You may get help every once in a while but these people went out of their way to help all the time, for no reason. From this I decided to open my eyes to others, instead of focusing on my individual needs everyday.
I experience so much love and generosity. Never have I met people that were so welcoming and inviting for me to truly get the best experience ever. I went with my best friend and her family, from the time I stepped off the train to the time I left they welcomed me to their family. Never in my life have I met people so kind to someone that they had never met before.
I learned so much from the Italians that I wanted to take back with me. I live life so focused on my goals that I forget to relax and just enjoy life and every moment of it. The people there have a motto that will stick with me forever, "We have time for everything." Ever though here in America we do value time, it's almost as though we put too much importance on time. We spend so much time determining how we are going to spend that time that we loss so much time that could be spent with what's truly important in life. Which led me to reevaluating my values in life, what is important to me.
For so long technology has played an important role in my life, it allows me to "stay connected" but to who. I waste a lot of time trying to stay "connected" and for what, to hear that this person is sitting in traffic, that it's stormy outside. Now I am not saying that I am going rogue and completely abandoning said technology but my value of it's true importance has shifted. I will still update my friends and use this technology as a medium to display my art to more people but I will not spend my days wasted at staring a screen that is not going to talk back. I want real conversations with the people that are important to me. I have decided that instead of hiding behind my screen that maybe I should get out there and hang out with these people that I call my friends.
There are 3 things that I feel that have lost there value in my life: Friends, Family, and Food. I just covered the friends part. Family, now I love my family I do, but I definitely don't commit to spending ample amounts of time with them. I see them on holidays and a few more times a year but lets be honest typically it's for some special occasion. During my trip I noticed a trend amongst these people, family is always at heart of everything. They don't dread seeing certain members of their family, if there is something about them that we would consider annoying, it's taken in humor to them. They love to laugh and believe in taking life less seriously. They live life with gusto, something that we are unfamiliar with. During my trip I lost a foundational member of my family, my grandmother. She was the glue that held my family together. If it wasn't for her my family would not gather as much. The only reason why we had so many people gathered together at Easter, Thanksgiving, or Christmas was because of her. I love my family but never craved seeing them, sad but true. But the combination of my grandmother's death and the experience I was having made me really want to be with them.
We as a society have become so focused on what's not important that we have lost sight of the things that are. We have more of a relationship with our computer than the people that we should hold close to us. I included. I have let so many great moments pass me by to hang out with my computer, and I know I am not alone in this.
Lastly, food. Many of us have a love/hate relationship with food. Why? Food is there for our health, it's not designed for us to fear it. It's there to help us, survive.  Why do we hate the thing that allows us to live? Makes no sense. Italy is the perfect place to gain a new appreciation of food. You go there and you don't think about if that food is going to make you gain weight, you just want to enjoy it with everyone else that is around you enjoying it. And believe me, one bite and you don't care about the calories in it. They don't think about portion control or diet food, it's full of cream, cheese, and everything "unhealthy" but it's natural. If whole milk wasn't good for you then God would have made a cow that produced a less fattening milk. If God made it, it's got to be okay for me, now if man made it I can't say the same thing. No longer will I hate food, I have to eat it I might as well enjoy it while I'm doing it.
There are so many more experiences that I want to share but I guess you will have to wait until I write the book, :)

The Journey Really Begins

I know, I know, it has been almost 3 months since my last entry. Well life has become jam packed. To update you all, well those that don't already know, I have started my own business! My photography business opened shop early August and has been steadily growing and growing each week. It's amazing, something that I just loved to do in my past-time is becoming something that I am doing full-time. We are official with our business license, tax info, and employer stuff. I even have employees! They are all commissioned based but it's all good. I could not be more happier with my life and the direction that I am headed. I have been blessed with so many amazing opportunities each and everyday, it is beginning to blow my mind. To think a year ago I was so unhappy and depressed with the situation that I was in and now I am being requested to fly to other countries for my services. Another update for those that do not already know, last weekend I received a message from one of my friends inviting me to go on an all expense paid trip to Italy, all I had to do was get my passport, get my ticket, and bring as much shopping money as I could, all in exchange for photography of all the amazing cities and adventures her and her family go on. I said "hold on one second let me think about it, I'm done thinking. OF COURSE I WANT TO GO! I will make it happen." And sure enough it's happening. my passport is being processed as I write, my tickets are booked and paid for, and I have already begun packing. I leave the USA on September 30th to arrive in Tuscany, Florence, Italy for 14 days of pure adventure! It's funny, one of my things to accomplish for the year was be more adventurous, and well this is definitely that. Typical Jennie would completely over think the opportunity, worry about the lack of passport and birth certificate and well money. But when I stepped out in faith and trusted someone other than myself and realized that I just got to get the things done and have faith in the right people and know it is out of my hands and trust that it will all work out in my favor, it all became a lot easier. So instead of spending my night being sleepless because I can't stop worrying, they are sleepless because I am so excited or I can't stop trying to learn the language. Another one of my things to do was to meet new people and well what a better way to meet new people than to go to a foreign country, enough said.
My trip will celebrate my year anniversary of my life being flipped upside down and what a way to celebrate it. I didn't even realize it until I was sitting in church on sunday and all the sudden I was like the day that I leave for Italy is the exact day that I choose to walk away from what had become so familiar to me, focusing on someone who wasn't there for me, who didn't care about me, and someone who put my every move/action down. Now I stand a year later, healed of those wounds and moving forward in the direction this person told me was not possible. At the time that I made that decision to walk away I didn't think I was strong enough, that I couldn't do it on my own, that I was everything he told me I was, but today I realize that those words were not describing me or my life. I am destined for greatness and great things because my faith is in someone else. He was right about one thing, I couldn't do it on my own, I had a lot of friends and family that supported, guided, and encouraged me throughout the entire years journey and I thank them all. As I went to reread what I just wrote my eyes began to well up with tears but they are not tears of sadness about the past, they are tears of gratitude, I am so thankful for the many blessings I have been given, most of all a new lease on life! I am expecting Italy to continue the transformation of my life.
I just recently watched Eat, Pray, Love. I cried through the entire movie. It did stir up so many memories. In a way I related to her journey, the spark of the beginning of the situation wasn't necessarily the same but it was that unhappiness that led her to make a radical change in her life and I am too. It led her to Italy, funny unknowingly mine did too. For me it has been a Pray, Eat, Love!
Well, BIG thanks to all that have stood by me and loved and supported me throughout this year, please continue. Expect lots of blog entries while I am Italy.

And to sign off for this edition, Arrivederci Grazie Mi Amici!

Jogging down this not so lonely road!

Hello Everyone,

I know it has been a long time since my last post but it has been for good reasons. My life, in short, has become abundantly slammed. In a great way though. Work is keeping me really busy and on my toes. Everyday is something different. I long for the boring days of not much going on. I have been spending time with friends. I truly feel blessed. I was able to purchase a new camera that knocks my socks off, which has allowed me to expand my services to the company I work for. My life is pretty much staying drama-free. Every now and again I will get an email or phone call accusing me of something but I am now able to blow it off and no longer react in anger. That is definitely an improvement! :) What else, well I did meet a really great guy and we went out. But after a few weeks I just decided that I am at a point in my life to where I just am not interested in anything but friendship with people. It's not from a fear of being hurt, I guess it really boils down to just craving time to myself. I need time to continue to take care of me and not worry about what I think the other person needs. So for now Prince Charming and I are just friends. Besides, I still have a whole list of things to accomplish! It has been over 6 months since I started The Resolution Project and I am proud of the leaps that I have made.

1) Move on with my life and put the past behind me. 
I can definitely say that this one I can check off the list. I do not worry about my past whatsoever. my past my contact me and try and stir up trouble but I remind it that I have moved on from that.

2) Get a job 
CHECK! Got that one! I am loving it for the most part. I am able to do all the things that I love!

3) Quit Smoking 
This one has been checked! Still doing pretty good on this one.

4) Losing an anonymous amount of weight 
Well, I kind of sat this one on the back burner until I got settled in with the job and it's now time to start focusing on it. I have dropped a few pounds here and there but it has not been a priority. Times are changing and now it is!

5) Meet new people 
I am definitely meeting new people all the time. My struggle right now is maintaining those friendships with these new faces. I am becoming more and more open with people and no longer fear of what people think of me. I like me and so should everyone else, :) I definitely feel like my personality has evolved into what I want to be and not what others want me to be. That was off subject but it came to me while thinking about the actual subject. My goal is to only surround myself by good and positive people. In order to do that I have to keep my perceptive radar. I guess what I am saying is it is hard for me to balance being perceptive of good influences and allowing people in. Again, I'm working on it and plan to be working on it for a long time.
 

6) Find real joy in life and stop taking advantage of the wonderful moments everyday
I am definitely trying to not let the wonderful moments to pass me by. I guess for me this is all about capturing those moments with my camera. And if you know me you would have noticed that I always have my sidekick with me, Mr. Nikon. Sometimes its Mr. Nikon Jr. but most of the time it's Sr. that comes along for the ride, :)

7) Be more adventurous 
I feel like an old lady lately. On my weekends I am adventurous but during the week, I fail at this one. When I get off from work and finally make it home through the jungle of cars they like to call traffic, I'm done. All I want is my pup and my bed, maybe dinner. I guess right now, my adventure is actually surviving my ride to and from work.

8) Do more for others 
Again, this is one of those goals that I will be working on forever. I have become more generous with my time and money to great causes that I believe in. So I feel that I can check this one but will continue to keep this one in check.

9) Working on my temper 
I feel that solely eliminating my button pusher has helped with this one. I like many people have to keep things in check but instead of getting angry at things I am trying to laugh it off and find the humor in it. I am finding that I'm more of a funnier person by doing that.

10) Stop being selfish and start being selfless 

Well this one is subject to people opinion of what is selfish. I have decided to set aside some relationships in my life to focus more on my needs, which could be completely considered as being selfish. BUT this is some much needed time to myself and in order for me to be less of a selfish person, I just need to back away from people and things.
 

11) Write more 
EPIC FAIL on my part! I have let this one really go by the wayside! I really need to step it up and work on this one. Shame, shame on me.

12) To stay focused on my goals!
I am but I'm not. My goals are not in the forefront of my mind at all times but they are there. I am aware that they exist and I know of the things I need to work on and want to work on but I feel that if I focus too much on them then I will no longer be doing it for the right reasons. I will be doing it because I don't believe in failure and once the year is up, I will probably go back to my old ways.

So all in all, life is great. I have regained my happiness and replacing many bad memories with good ones. I am proud of the success that I have made and plan to keep working on it! The journey continues and I'm keeping up with it!

Driving Forward... Not Looking Back...

Hello faithful readers,
I know that it has been over a month since my last post but I am happy to say it has been for good reasons! I GOT A JOB! Yippy! The story behind it is pretty amazing and a true testament as to how things can really work out for the good!
It all started when a friend from college called me up to let me know that she went on an interview with a company and just didn't feel like it was the right job for her. There was nothing wrong with the position, just not what she was looking for. She felt that it was right up my alley and thought I might be interested. Well she wasn't lying, it really was right up my alley and it was a perfect fit for me. With in a day I went up for the interview and the same day I was hired. I started the next day and have been loving it ever since. The pay wasn't the greatest in the world and it is a drive but some times we have to make little sacrifices for better things to come. Well after a few days of proving myself my boss gave me a raise. I guess you want to know what I do now, I work for Abracadabra Video as their Office Manager and Production Coordinator. After mentioning to him that I do photography, he took a look at my portfolio and decided to add me as their Photographer! I was so excited about that, photography is such a great passion of mine and one that I never really planned on getting paid to do. After a few days of chatting and actually getting to know me he realized that he didn't really read over my resume too much, they were in such desperate need of someone that whoever wanted the position was pretty much hired. He has started to give me more and more responsibility and it feels great! I accomplished exactly what I wanted to accomplish, finding a job that I truly love!
It's funny, I planned and prepared so hard to make my resume look good and it didn't matter. For the first time in an interview I could truly be myself and not stiff and be what they wanted me to be and thats the job I get. Everything works out for the best in the end. I can always feel calm in the storm with the knowledge of even though I don't know the future it will always be better. Faith and Hope can pull you through so many terrible and uncomfortable situations.
Another valuable lesson that I learned through this experience is to stop being what everyone wants you to be or be the person that they are looking for. When you are true to yourself, you will never fail! It may  look like failure is all around you but it's only a mirage. If there is one thing that I have struggled to overcome in the past couple of months and a good part of my life is the feeling of being a failure. It is so easy to look around you and see things that didn't go right and call that a failure. It may be a failure but not necessarily on your part. For me, I took the failure of my relationship very personally. I felt that I had done something wrong or I just wasn't good enough and it had nothing to do with that. Sometimes we take on other people's failures because we think we have to or that someone has to. We don't even if they can't see their failures doesn't mean we take them on. Sometimes its good to just leave the baggage in the middle of the road instead of carrying it for someone else. Eventually they are going to have to deal with it.
As I was driving to work the strangest thing happened, I caught myself saying I came from the darkness and have enter into the light. I literally had, it was so dark and stormy at home and then all the sudden as I was approaching my exit the brightness was overwhelming, the clouds were a beautiful creamy white and the sky was so blue, bluer than I have ever seen. I didn't expect it at all, it came out of nowhere. I didn't even realize how dark it was at home until I had become consumed in the light. You see the light reflecting off of things and everything looks so shiny and beautiful and new. It's strange because I feel that way about my life, I had no clue as to how unhappy I was until I was happy. Now everything looks so much better than it did before.
So, I plan on driving more and more towards the light and keeping the dark skies in my rearview mirror.
Drive on...

Fish in the Sea

In the search for my perfect job I have seen nothing but failure. This is starting to get depressing! And might I say frustrating!! I realize that it is not failure on my part but more of a lack of respect on the employers part. In the last year I have applied for 1000's of jobs, many of them are applications sent off into the world wide web (I'm beginning to think it's a blackhole of nothingness). I have received a few responses back on those jobs I have applied for and I have been on interviews. It's funny I use to consider myself as a closer, I could close the deal with anyone, I could sell myself like no other. I don't feel like I am not selling myself well cause every interview I go on I get that look from the employer that leads you to think, "I nailed it" and I always get the response of "you are a top candidate". But I find myself always feeling like I am number 2, not number1. So what's wrong? These employers lead me on, making me think that I have the job and then all the sudden I get. "I'm sorry we decided to go with someone that is over qualified for the position" or the latest, "We decided to put the position on hold since we had hired for another position and they are going to do both positions at the same time'. So what was the point of WASTING MY TIME??? Seriously! The thing that erked me the most about this particular employer is at the interview I was extremely hesitant about leaving a book of my materials but because I was promised that I would be back for yet another interview within the week, I left it. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, I should ALWAYS listen to my gut. Two weeks later, no response from the company and then a "you can come pick it up". Thank you for making me drive yet another 1 1/2 hour to come to your business and waste my time again. I got no apology, no "can we send you this material back", nothing. What happen to respect? These companies have forgotten how to respect the "little people". I told the company they should mail me my material since it was based on their response that I was "coming" for a 3rd interview that I left it. Needless to say, no response yet. Sad thing is the lady said that they would like to hold onto my resume for possible positions in the future, I told her to disregard it. I don't work for companies that play games. If you are this disrespectful to me before I am even hired then how are you going to treat me once I am. It's like relationships, if the guy is a jerk when you're dating do you seriously think he is going to treat you any better once your married? All venting aside, it was very upsetting for me because this was the exact position I wanted and didn't think existed and it was sad to see it not work out. I am okay with not getting the position, it's just the lack of respect that bugs me. So after my night of sulking and digging holes in the yard, I am over it and started back at square one... AGAIN... Someone once told me "Jobs are like men, there are plenty of fish in the sea", my reply "you're right and it's hard to find the right one. They are either already taken or pointless." Guess I'll keep fishing, maybe I cast my rod across the sea... to maybe England... We will see... Cheerio